


With a Straight Face (and a Crooked Smile)

by DaniKleine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: At the same time this is incredibly ridiculous, Attempt at Humor, Crack Fic, Gen, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied Established Klance Relationship, It's about Keith's love for Hippos, M/M, Of Keith and Hippopotamuses, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniKleine/pseuds/DaniKleine
Summary: Keith makes a joke because Lance (and the team) was having too much fun making fun of him for loving Hippos. Keith’s joke makes Lance speechless because he’s not even sure if Keith was joking. (The thing is Lanceisthe joke in the whole thing.)This stuff is a joke. I have no humor but please humor me on this one.





	With a Straight Face (and a Crooked Smile)

Even up in space where Voltron is needed in _every_ corner of the universe, there still happens to be unexpectedly great amounts of vacant time with nothing to use it for. So, to address the problem of battling against unrelenting boredom, the Princess decided to use this ample time for _**Team Bonding Exercises**_.

Team Bonding Exercises does not only include the normal Paladin training, the abnormal Paladin training (courtesy of Coran), weird but entertaining alien board games (with ever-changing rules because why the quiznak not), extravagant dress-ups (courtesy of Allura herself), painful trust-falls-esque exercises (Pidge, everything is **painful** because Pidge can’t keep her hands to herself and kept tinkering with the castle-ship’s machineries), group baking and tasting (Hunk is _Godsend_. He and his recipes are _**heavenly**_ ), knitting (Shiro, why are you so good at this. _Why_.), Group-learning how to speak and read Altean (Keith you have got to be _cheating_ on this one, there has got to be _no way_ you’re this _good_ ), or **_excruciating_** mind-melding activities. It also included Lance’s _**dreadful**_ talk-show quiz-games that more often than not lead to several bouts of confusion and/or amusement. (Thankfully _**mostly**_ amusement)

Today’s topic was; **_“What animal would you love to be stuck with in a cryo-pod for a 10,000-year cryo-sleep?”_** Shiro predictably picked a cat, Hunk went for a dog, Pidge said she’d like to be accompanied by an owl, Lance smugly stated he’d like to enter one with a shark, and Keith? **_A Hippopotamus_**.

 

“Out of _all_ the animals in the Kingdom Animalia, he chooses to go to a cryo-sleep with a _Hippo_.” Lance snorts.

Keith frowns, “You’re one to speak, _you_ chose a _Shark_. Pretty sure Sharks could _kill you_ Lance.”

“Keith, Keith, _Keith_ —” Lance, clicking his tongue at the Red Paladin, mused “Sharks _could_ —but _not all_ Sharks _kill_ humans on purpose. Some _accidentally_ kill surfers when they mistake them as seals.   Besides, there’s also small shark breeds that are actually friendly and don’t feed on humans. Pretty dang cute ones too, if I say so myself.”

“What’s wrong with loving Hippos anyway? It simply happens to be my favorite animal. It’s not because they’re fu- _quiznaking_ cute, okay?? It’s because they’re awesome gigantic murderers, _that’s_ what. The annual recorded deaths in Africa? Majorly done by Hippos—if not by natural disasters—” Allura and Coran gives him confused, but very encouraging smiles as Keith rambles on his ~~undying~~ love for the Hippos and justifying it.

Shiro simply grins and pats him on the back, “Keep telling that to yourself, Keith.”

“I’m stating _facts!!_ ”

Hunk grins, probing him with a spork. “C’mon man. We know you find them quite adorable, Keith.”

“I-I don’t!! They’re just—”

Lance and Pidge both snicker at him, “Oh sure **Mighty** Red Paladin. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Keith takes a very, _very_ deep breath,

“If I remember correctly, I’m _pretty sure_ it’s not a crime to love such an awesome creature!!” Keith crosses his arm in front of his chest as his face scrunches up, trying and failing to not pout. “And I do not like the way all of you are bonding against me right now.”

 

“ _Pfft_ —but Keith, _seriously_ , out of all the animals in the _entire_ world, quiznak, the whole known _multiverse_ —”

Keith just outstretches his arms in bafflement, “What’s wrong with choosing a Hippo over any other animal?”

“The first animal you would love to willingly share a cryo-pod with that pops up in your mind? Ah, yes— _quiznak_ —a Hippo!! Keith how the _quiznak_ are you and that Hippo even supposed to fit in there? _You’d be **squished**!!_ _HA!_ ” Lance doubles over,

“How _big_ is this… Hippo of yours? It seems pretty amazing considering how much Keith seems to admire it!!” Allura chirps in. The two Alteans have started openly fantasizing how ginormous and majestic a Hippo must be, considering ‘how much Number 4 loves it’.

Pidge and Hunk feed the Alteans with bizarre and so _not_  true ideas and concepts about the animal and Shiro’s silently but not so subtly chuckling at the whole thing. Lance stopped laughing for a while, stared at him straight in the eyes and promptly resumed laughing his ass off.

Keith hates him. Honestly? Keith’s quite fed up with all of them.

 

“Hey Lance, if a plane carried 100 bricks and one fell down how many bricks will be left?”

Lance raises a brow at the sudden change of topic, looks around at everyone, and smirks. “I’m not stupid Mullet. Still 100 bricks on board a plane.”

Keith gives him a very worried look, “99 bricks, Lance. I’m sorry, I should’ve known that brick hit your head pretty badly. Do you have to enter a cryo-pod or something? Well then since you like sharks so much, why won’t you try getting in a cryo-pod with one? Oh, here’s the catch— do it in three steps.”

“Keith, what the f— What…? Wait, what the quiznak that’s impossible—”

“Lance, Lance, Lance…” Keith shakes his head and openly face palms. Once he’s done he gives Lance a sympathetic look that could also be translated as _‘why are you so stupid?’_ “You open the cryo-pod, put your ass and the shark in, and close it.”

“Keith, buddy, what—”

“Okay, this is an easier one. How would you put a Hippo in a cryo-pod—”

“Are you—”

“—within four steps.”

“…four…steps…? Is this a trick question? This is a trick question, isn’t it?”

Hunk snorts loudly, “He is— _holey moley_ ” and Pidge starts wheezing and chanting _“Oh my God, this is so corny.”_

 “Keith—”

“Just answer the question Lance.”

 “I… I don’t… know…?”

Keith pouts a little, “Anyone who knows the answer? No one?” Everyone but the confused Alteans and Lance were snickering.

Keith sighs, “You open the cryo-pod, get your ass along with the shark out, put the Hippo in, and close the cryo-pod.”

“So simple…” Keith shakes his head,

Lance starts “Keith. I’m terribly confused.”

Keith smiles, “Okay then, how ‘bout this one. Voltron is having a Birthday Party. According to _The Lion King_ and _Animal Planet_ , Lions are the Kings of the Kingdom Animalia. Therefore, our Lions are rulers by this right. Every animal is invited, and every animal went except one.”

“Keith. What the quiznak. Just. _What the quiznak_. I don’t even know what you’re trying to say in here.” Lance complains, he really does look terribly confused.

“You have to guess which animal didn’t manage to go to the party you dummy!!” Pidge grins,

“Okay, okay… but am I supposed to ignore the fact that Keith said Voltron is allegedly going to have a _Birthday Party_? That Keith _actually watched_ the Lion King and is currently making a _reference_ about it? That I’m actually in a situation where I really don’t understand **_what’s going on?!”_**

“Yes Lance, you’re also not supposed to freak out whenever Keith is saying something ridiculous. Get on with it!” Hunk laughs,

“Okay, whatever. I don’t know anymore. _Whatever, the answer is_ **_Zarkon_**. Zarkon doesn’t show up ‘cuz he’s Zarkon and I’m interfering with the way all of you are happily distributing Birthday Party Invitations to every living being. I agree to giving every alien and animal and whoever some invites, but no one’s giving Zarkon an invitation.”

“Lance, even if we don’t invite Zarkon, he’s sure to come whether we like it or not. He’s too gung-ho about the Black Lion to not come and wish it a Happy Birthday before trying to steal it.”

“Pidge—”

“Man, just think about it. All the answers Keith’s looking for is pretty easy to find.”

“Hunk, bud—”

“Lance. Patience yields focus, think about the question; which animal didn’t manage to attend Voltron’s Birthday Party. It’s that simple.”

“ _What the quiznak Shiro_ , don’t pull up your words of wisdom in this if you aren’t gonna answer the question. I give up Keith Kogane. You hear me? _I yield_. What the quiznak is the answer anyway?”

“The Hippo.”

“The _what_?”

“The animal that didn’t attend Voltron’s Birthday Party was the Hippo ‘cuz it couldn’t get out the cryo-pod. It was _stuck_ inside the cryo-pod. Because you’re right, it really shouldn’t fit inside one.”

“Oh my God Keith. _What the actual fuck._ ” That’s what got the other paladins laughing.

“If you wanted to admit that you didn’t manage to think your choice through on what animal you want to be stuck in a cryo-pod with it’s okay to admit it. Did I have to suffer going through your lame ass jokes or something??”

“Yes Lance. Yes you have got to. You’re stuck with this for the rest of your life.” Keith says solemnly. Shiro’s giggling, Pidge’s guffawing, Hunk’s chucking, the Princess is laughing, and Coran is snorting. And Lance? He just looks so downright distraught it’s hilarious.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Lance.”

“What.”

“Imagine you’re in a supposedly Galra-occupied planet and you really had to pass through this bridge to get to Blue in the other side. Something stops you and renders you helpless and unconscious, what would it be?”

“Is this another one of your riddle-jokes?”

“Yes, it is one of my riddle-jokes.”

“I’m sick of your riddle-jokes Keith, I’m sorry.”

Keith hums, “Just try answering it. This will be the last one, I promise.”

Lance huffs, “A Galra obviously.”

“Hmm, nope.”

“Slav?”

“Nope”

“You…?”

“Still nope. I said some ** _thing_**  is oping to kill you and _not_ some ** _one_**. Also, need I remind you that you're on a planet that is _supposedly_ occupied by the Galra.”

“Okay, so does that mean there’s actually no Galra around the place?”

“Yup”

“Where the quiznak are all those Galra then if they’re not on the planet?”

“They’re at Voltron’s Birthday Party.” Keith giggles as Lance whispers _‘the heck_ , _’_

“Then what renders me helpless and unconscious then?” Lance smiles and Keith smiles back,

“A **brick**.”

“…”

“…”

“A brick?”

“A brick that fell from the _sky_.”

“…”

“It hit you on the _head_ —”

“I need to get myself a Shark and get on that cryo-pod already. Good bye Keith. See you in ten thousand fucking years.”

Keith is downright laughing his ass off as Lance walks away from his not-so funny, insufferable boyfriend.

**Author's Note:**

> Imagine Coran and Allura observing the exchanges between the Paladins and later on sighing fondly, _“Humans are weird but really fun to be with.”_
> 
> I modified that joke that circulated in my group of friends a long, long time ago. I think they got it off from the internet or something. I don’t really know or care at this point. Anyways, I was the last one they told about it and as someone who takes jokes and statements at face value I was so deeply confused. I found it funny days after, but at the time of my confusion I was really angry that I didn’t get it immediately.
> 
> This fic is really stupid, hope you liked it tho


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